Matt McCarten: A New Year pledge: stay away from fat Germans

6 Jan

NZ First party leader Winston Peters can’t believe his luck. Photo / NZ Herald

By Matt McCarten Email Matt
5:30 AM Sunday Jan 6, 2013

We resolve to do better to improve the things we have control over and hope like hell the things that are causing us problems will go away.

It’s particularly true of politicians, and gossips from parties this week that some of our big names attended have confirmed that to me.

Bearing in mind my resolution is always to tell the truth, I will share with you the pledges our leading politicians made on the stroke of midnight last Monday.

JOHN KEY
• Stay away from any big fat guys with German accents.
• Remember that the house always wins when I play with SkyCity Casino.

• Don’t promote women into high profile ministerial roles just because it makes me look progressive. Check first that they have at least some idea what they’re doing.
• Never look peeved and be sulky when I get caught out not knowing my job.

• Stay away from John Banks. He has done more damage to me than the Labour and Green parties combined.
• Brush up my CV. I’ll probably be looking for a new job after the next election.

BILL ENGLISH
• Try not to look smug when the Prime Minister gets caught out not knowing his job.
• Brush up my CV. I’ll need a new job after the next election.

JOHN BANKS
• Stay away from big fat guys with German accents.
• I need to get closer to the Prime Minister. With my experience I could really help him.

• Brush up my CV. I’ll need a new job after the next election.

DAVID SHEARER
• Try not to look smug when no one challenges me in the formal leadership election in February.

• Try not to look smug when I see David Cunliffe looking bewildered on the backbenches.
• Gently remind Helen Clark that she should stop giving Cunliffe false hope on his future.
• Get some policies that National can’t steal off us.

• Stop stealing policies off the Greens.

DAVID CUNLIFFE
• Chase up a nominator for my challenge for party leadership next month.

• Follow up various messages I’ve left for my supporters.
• Try not to look smug in knowing it’s only a matter of time before Helen gets me the leader’s job.
• Get Helen to return my calls.

RUSSEL NORMAN
• Don’t get resentful when Labour steals our ideas and pretends it thought of them.
• Bite back the tears when we know the Greens work our butts off and Labour gets all the credit.

METIRIA TUREI
• Bite back the tears when I know I work my butt off and Russel gets all the credit.

TARIANA TURIA
• We must stop looking like the footstool for National. If we don’t, we are toast at the next election.
• To save the party I will force Pita to step down. The sooner he goes, the better for everyone.

PITA SHARPLES
• We must be more in sync with National. If we don’t, we are toast at the next election.
• To save the party I must remain party co-leader. The sooner Tariana goes, the better for everyone.

HONE HARAWIRA
• Look humble when the Maori Party, to save their party, ask me to be their leader.
• The sooner Tariana and Pita go, the better for everyone.

WINSTON PETERS
• Stop grinning and looking like a pig in shite. I still can’t believe I’m back in Parliament.
• Tell Key, English and Banks to start looking for new jobs after the next election.

By Matt McCarten Email Matt

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